Dating The Fear Of Commitment | 851 Views
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Posted : Sunday, Nov 21, 2010 - Sirah Vettese PhD
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Are you able to let your lover know what you really feel about important personal issues? For some people the answer is no! Sexual anxiety remains widespread, but many couples rarely talk about it enough to allay their fears. Sexual anxiety is a symptom of other emotional inhibitions. Although frustration in achieving personal goals may be discussed, few couples take the time to explore their deepest hopes. Lack of self-confidence, hidden resentments, painful memories, and secret desires are universal, but few couples know how to help each other accept and resolve these powerful but hidden feelings. Most couples spend less than 30 minutes a week sharing their most intimate feelings.
No wonder relationships go stale. Rather than explore feelings, many couples assume they know how each other feels when in reality they are afraid to ask! For love to remain exciting and vibrant, intense and deeply honest communication of feelings is vital. Emotional safety is the key to creating an adventure of mutual discovery. The key lies in being authentic and that equals self love. Out of this comes the confidence to communicate deep feelings.There isn’t a day that goes by in my practice by that I don’t present the idea that in order to have a lasting, quality love relationship, one must know what it takes to have a loving relationship with oneself. The notion that we could be good for someone else without knowing who we are at the core is a false ideal.
Of course, we learn as we go, but being comfortable in your own skin is the key to a healthy dynamic between two people. If we don’t peel away the self imposed limitations our power source within is fragile and weak. We act in patterns that undermine the success of our relationship. We are plugged into pain rather than the joy of life. Fear often drives our decisions and we add to the pile of wounds from the past, more regret and shame. We need the courage to expose what keeps us from our authentic self.
If we can articulate what makes us feel bad about ourselves, we can release the toxic waste that takes up so much mental space. This negative flow of energy depletes our system physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. By interrupting the pattern of thought and diving into self-forgiveness for any of our past relationship failures we open new doors to a life worth living. The patterns we are ashamed of become full of light when we expose them. The impulse to do the same thing and fail again changes because we have begun to make peace with the shadow that looms overhead. When we own the truth we are free. Becoming congruent with our deepest feelings aligns us with love.
Even if those feelings are negative, in that moment we are honest and that honesty is the key to self respect. One way to put into action emotional safety is to do the following: Make an assessment of fears which stand in the way of being authentic. For some people, a fear of rejection is a primary inhibition. Almost everyone harbors some anxiety that if a loved one really knew everything, rejection might be the result. Other people fear their own anger. They resist exposing their deepest feelings because they sense a rage that could lead to violence. Still others fear an encounter with their own self-image. They fear that letting a lover know them will be humiliating or lead them to feeling inferior. The persistence of such fears makes creating and sustaining a great love relationship difficult if not impossible. Here are some examples that have been presented in my practice:
“If my partner knew the real me, he would leave.”
“I am afraid to risk giving you my heart, I don’t want to be hurt again.”
“I don’t feel loved or appreciated;
we share the same house, the same bed, yet most of the time we are like strangers.” Now see if you can write down your own truth as it is right now in your life. Don’t be afraid, this is for your eyes only until you feel safe enough to expose the truth, the burden will be lifted. Try to write at least ten fears. The more you articulate, the better you will feel. When two people hide things, the relationship goes sour and creates chronic frustration. Instead of being clear, couples begin to manipulate, intimidate, or induce guilt in each other and those patterns undermine success and joy if the relationship. By revealing truth and staying open and clear minded the connection is strengthened. You build safety and trust. Tension is released and the air is cleared. A nurturing connection is formed and your lover is more attracted to you and vice-verse. Our soul wants to live to the fullest. It is not without risk. Becoming emotionally safe with your partner is a worthy investment. Tell me how you feel when it comes to this?
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